Mental suffering reconciliation with childhood

Reconciliation with own childhood

08/05/2014

People who have had an unhappy childhood often suffer from it as adults. The consequences of this can be feelings of inferiority, panic or anger. Experts advise how those affected can escape this vicious circle by reconciling themselves with their own childhood.

Feelings of childhood characterize adult life
There are hardly any people who do not remember childhood situations in which they feel unfairly treated or unloved by their parents. Either the mother had little time or the father freaked out even with trifles. When such injuries are commonplace, there is often a feeling of not being worth anything, not being loved or doing anything wrong. In addition, children who have fears are often not taken seriously and fed off with a sentence like, "You do not have to be afraid". Sensations like these can often affect all adult life, as noted in various studies. For those who do, it may be useful to reconcile with their childhood and parents.

Attitude towards the parents change
As the psychologist Bertold Ulsamer writes in one of his most recent books, the attitude to life of many people is the basic attitude towards the parents. Adults who are greedy often feel that they have not had enough as a child. The Freiburg psychotherapist Ulsamer recommends to change the attitude towards his own parents in order to gain a more positive attitude to life. It would help to write a letter to the father or mother, which should not be sent. Writing down helps to admit that one was hurt in childhood. Only if one admits that an experience was bad, one can begin to clarify the situation.

Direct conversation with the parents is rarely possible
A direct conversation with a parent is rarely possible. Ulsamer says: "95 percent of parents can not do it," according to a news agency dpa news agency. However, should it come to a debate, it should ideally take place in a loving atmosphere. Children should try not to blame their parents. The conversation is not about blaming but about improving the relationship with the father or mother. The behavioral therapist Annika Gieselmann also emphasizes that direct confrontation with the parents does not play the most important role in dealing with negative childhood experiences.

Consider the life of the parents from an adult perspective
One often has a firm picture of the parents in mind. By reconciling with this inner picture, one can learn to meet the parents on a new, adult level, said the psychotherapist and research assistant of the University of Dusseldorf. This could have a positive effect on the real relationship with father and mother. Psychotherapist Ulsamer advises to look at from the adult perspective, how the life of the parents expired, how their childhood was, what strokes of fate they might have to cope with. People who do not regard their parents as a parent, like a child, but as a friend or colleague, could more easily understand and forgive their behavior. In addition, similarities could connect. Growing up means admitting to being more like parents than you thought.

Psychotherapy and support groups can help
According to Ulsamer, reconciliation is irrelevant if the parents are still alive or already dead. Even if they are no longer alive, it is important to make peace with them. Gieselmann says that adults who react in certain situations like a child would have to ask whether the reason for this is childhood. Often, early negative experiences cause adults to react inappropriately. For example, an adult may panicky respond to exam situations when he has always heard as a child: "You can not do it anyway." It was a first big step to recognize these learned behavioral patterns. In addition to psychotherapy, self-help groups can also be helpful in this way. It is good to exchange and learn that you are not alone with your problem.

Gratitude is an important step towards reconciliation
Those who are looking for a group can contact Nakos, the National Contact and Information Center, for encouraging and supporting self-help groups. If no suitable group is registered there, one should establish such a discussion round itself. This is recommended by Svenja Jantje Speckin, self-help consultant at Kiss, the contact and information center for self-help groups in Hamburg. The contact point could help to find more members if the topic of the group can be precisely defined. Bertold Ulsamer recommends therapeutic help in order to reconcile with parents and childhood: "It is difficult to do it alone." Even if it is difficult, it is important to be grateful to the parents, as this is an important step on the way to the future Reconciliation was. (Sb)