When couples look very unequal

About the everyday problems of unequal couples

09/23/2014

"Opposites attract," says an old adage. Or do similarities weld together more closely? Most people choose a partner who is as attractive as themselves. Unequal pairs, however, are less common. Often such couples face numerous prejudices: "The old man certainly has money, otherwise the young thing would not be with him", "Why does not she look for a more attractive man. She is way too good for the fat "or" They do not even fit together ", are among the sayings with which unequal pairs are repeatedly confronted. Couple therapist Rüdiger Wacker advises those affected not to justify themselves. Ignoring and countering is the better way, he explains in an interview with the news agency "dpa", which interviewed other experts on the subject.

Unequal couples should not justify themselves
He is two meters tall and she is just 1.50 meters. When the tall lanky man and the short, stocky woman run through the city center, they stand out. Just like them, many couples look very different. Not infrequently they are confronted with prejudices. But this is normal, reports Dietmar Bittrich, author of a book on unequal pairs, told the news agency. "We expect harmony, that is a fundamental longing." That's why people often talk about the "other half". "It means that half can not be so different."

Scientific study showed that most people looked similarly attractive partners, explains Wacker. By contrast, unequal pairs are rather rare. That's why these couples noticed more. However, the looks and comments would usually make those affected very uncomfortable. "One should not be put in justification pressure," said the couple therapist. The couples should be aware that the looks and sayings are based on one another's problem. They rate the unequal optics and conclude that the rest does not fit well, according to Wacker. Ignoring and countering is the better strategy. Unequal couples could think together about spells. Then it's easier to counterattack. In addition, the feeling of togetherness could also be underlined physically by arm in arm, advises the expert. With justifications you can achieve little. "When you explain something, you are immediately in a weakened position," says Brigitte Brandstoetter, author of a book that deals above all with the constellation of women with younger partners, to the news agency. However, it is different with friends, whose opinion the couples could listen to calmly, says Wacker. But no one had to go into that either.

Unequal couples should not be influenced by the prejudices of others
The relationship killer can become inequality when the doubts and assessments from outside also create insecurity within the partnership. "Nobody is independent of the judgments of others," explains Bittrich. "If cracks are there, they become deepened into gaps." If one of the partners suffers from major self-doubt anyway, it can be exacerbated by the prejudices of others. From this, a sense of inferiority can develop towards the partner. Therefore, unequal couples should talk about their problems on the one hand, and formulate on the other hand what they value most about others. Not infrequently these are the differences. "Being different has a certain price, of course, but it can also show some strength," says Wacker. "Everyone brings something that is attractive to the other," adds Brandstötter.

The right balance between differences and similarities is crucial, explains the couple therapist. Then the optical difference no longer plays such a large role, since it is only one point of many. For a stable relationship, lifestyle and attitudes should be largely in harmony, explains Bittrich. Factors such as humor and world view are usually more decisive than the optics. Especially as the external perception over the course of time increasingly in the background. The couple gets used to it. "This is natural growth." Then couples could often even laugh at the prejudices of others, increasing self-esteem. And: opposites also have advantages. So they could look erotic. "The erotic attraction comes from the opposites, the durability comes from equality."

If unequal couples can not be influenced by prejudice, their partnership often stays above average
Conclusion: Unequal couples can have very happy relationships if they manage not to be influenced by the doubts and benefits of others. A relationship away from the mainstream is generally more susceptible to crises, but can become a stable and lasting partnership if the crisis - the feeling of being socially excluded - is mastered.

This phenomenon was investigated by American sociologists Justin Lehmiller and Christopher Agnew. They questioned couples who live in unconventional partnerships about the quality of their relationship and how they relate to their fellow human beings. All participants in the study stated they had the feeling that they were socially marginalized. However, quickly overcoming this large stress factor increased their chances of having a relationship that was longer than average. The researchers observe that such couples feel more bound than conventional couples and less often look for alternative partners. (Ag)