When couples fall into the trap of dependency

Dependencies can also occur in partnerships

06.09.2012

People in partnerships can become interdependent. However, most associate dependence only with alcohol or drug addiction. However, even in marriages or civil partnerships dependency structures can arise, which can lead to serious consequences. Experts from the Professional Association of German Psychologists in Berlin advise to seek professional help or to become active in advance of early signs of unhealthy attachment to the partner.

Financial dependence still widespread
People can become dependent not only on drugs, medications, cigarettes or alcohol. In love relationships, it often happens that one partner can not manage the everyday life without the other. The first and still low-threshold dependence is the financial one. „Until the 1980s, women were economically dependent on most of their partners due to lower educational qualifications and lower employment“, said Andreas Klocke, professor of sociology at the University of Applied Sciences Frankfurt am Main opposite the news agency „dpa“. For women of older age or migrants this is still the case frequently. Today, however, many women are hardly or not at all dependent on the male partner. Many go their own professional ways and want to realize themselves.

Mutual dependencies
A dependency does not have to be one-dimensional. „There are many relationships in which they are mutually dependent“, reports Walter Roscher from the Professional Association of German Psychologists in Berlin. For example, spouses buy a house. To pay off the debts, both have to raise funds. But no one alone can finance the house alone. This leads to a mutual economic dependence.

A mutual economic dependence is relatively easy to recognize, often present and hardly avoidable in many places. But many couples are not aware of that. The head of the psychological counseling center of the Diakonie in Esslingen, Roland Kachler, advises couples to talk. „It has to be talked about“. It's best to do that before a home or house is bought by credit.

The second form of dependency is the practical life. In relationships, gender-specific task distribution often exists. „The man is responsible for repairs, car and insurance, the wife for household and children“, said sociologist Klocke. Everyone would do just that, where he sees his strengths and thus relieves the other. But the more autonomous a partner can perform these everyday tasks, the more difficult it becomes for the other person to take on these tasks themselves if the other person dies or if there is a breakup. All of a sudden, they are confronted with tasks that they had previously assigned to the other partner. Many find it hard to get involved in areas that sometimes have had nothing to do with them for decades.

Avoid grinding in habits
Agreements are that „A and O“, preferably already in the course of the first relationship. „In the course of the relationship, it is important to avoid habits“, so Gritli Bertram, diploma social pedagogue and partner consultant from Hannover. Within the relationship, both should be asked again and again, whether the distribution of tasks is still right or whether something should be changed. An alternative would be, for example, to teach one's own tasks to another. „Joint cooking, building, cleaning or clarifying insurance matters can also be fun for two or more“, so Bertram.

Emotional dependencies in partnerships
The third form of dependencies in partnerships is the emotional one. „It is normal and part of a relationship that the partners are mutually dependent on each other“, says psychologist Kachler. As long as both partners also feel that they are able to live alone and are not dependent on the practical recognition of the other, an emotional bond that happens equally on both sides can certainly stabilize a relationship. However, one should not feel that one is discriminating against or dominating the other partner.

Take warnings seriously and meet them
The first warning signs of a mentally unhealthy emotional dependency are, for example, when a partner overly adapts himself, sets aside his own needs, avoids conflict despite opposite opinions, and clings strongly to the other's discomfort. The relationship does not feel well in such a situation, sufferers suffer from lovesickness despite partnership and sexuality gets more and more background. „Most notice the unequal relationship late“, says Bertram. The signals slowly creep in everyday life.

The emotional level is very difficult for most to grasp, even for the person concerned. As in a company, however, it helps to draw a regular balance. Once a year, the partners could sit together and reflect on the past time. Both could each ask the other in the conversation whether they feel comfortable. An uncomfortable feeling should be expressed openly, as well should be „Expectations are discussed“, said Roscher.

Maintain autonomy in the partnership
Before excessive dependencies arise, preserving one's independence can protect it. „Friendships can also be maintained independently of the partner and alone.“ This prevents you from fixing yourself emotionally on the partner alone. The conversation with people outside the partnership also helps to reflect experiences. This makes it possible to focus on a different external perspective on one's own relationship. (Sb)

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