What to do with lovesickness? Talk about!

What to do with lovesickness? Talk about!

01/12/2015

There is no one who has never had heartache in his life. Friends and acquaintances then often have quick advice on what to do against it „broken heart“ can do: going out, distracting, looking for new partners. But many sufferers only want to talk about their grief. And that's a good thing, as psychologists say. Because that helps best to get over the loss of the partner.

Many separations during the Christmas season
Women and men, young and old: Hardly anyone is immune to a breakup at one „broken hearts“ to suffer. Not only psychological, but also physical complaints make sufferers then create. Internal restlessness, sleep disorders, tiredness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, nausea and abdominal pain are typical symptoms that can occur. Mostly heartbroken and heartache come in the winter time, like the „world“ reported in a recent post. According to the statistics show that one-third of all separations happen at Christmas time. Friends and acquaintances then usually have quick advice ready: Meet new people, going out, distracting. But freshly separated people often only want to talk about their lovesickness. And that's just as well as scientists think.

Talk about it and think
According to researchers, the best way to talk about it and think about it is to get over the partner's loss. Even if no one listens, lovesickness can be cured with autotherapy. To this conclusion came the psychologist Grace M. Larson of the Northwestern University in the American Evanston and her colleague David A. Sbarra of the University of Arizona in Tucson. The scientists had asked 210 freshly separated people to the lab to investigate what helps against heartache. The subjects were divided into two groups, one of which had short questionnaires to fill out, and the other was to reproduce the relationship history as well as the separation as accurately as possible. They did this by recording their own voices alone in a room.

Less lonely and rarer emotional outbursts
„At first glance, one might also think that it is not so good to remind the people concerned about the separation again and again, by asking them to describe it“, Larson said. However, they now show in the journal „Social Psychological and Personality Science“ published results just the opposite. For those participants who were constantly talking about their separation, after the nine weeks it was much better than those who had only made a few crosses in the questionnaires. They felt less lonely and were less likely to be attacked by emotional outbursts.

Change of self-concept
An important role was played by the change in the self-concept. According to a study published in 2010, this is usually confused after a breakup. The researchers then had in their study „Who at the I without you“written that the concept of their own identity is closely linked to the identity of the partner, especially in a longer relationship. When the relationship ends, the image of one's own identity shakes. Various studies have shown that the self-concept slowly changes after a separation and that this change in addition to the actual separation pain encourages negative feelings. Reflection on the history of separation can thus help to quickly create and stabilize a new self-concept, to feel independent of the partner and yet completely, writes the „world“. Or „to develop a better understanding of who you are as a single“, as Larson puts it.

Hardly anyone feels independent from the partner
Since the beginning of the 1990s, scientists have been dealing with the flexibility of self-concept. American psychologist Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University found in a study that most subjects felt that the partner was a greater or lesser part of them. Hardly anyone said they felt completely independent of their partner. This felt overlap of partners was researcher „Inclusion of other in the self“ called. This exists according to later investigations, not only „felt“, but even personality traits are similar over time with partners who have been together for a long time. Sometimes this overlap becomes so strong that the lost one „autonomy“ becomes a problem for the relationship and sometimes even the cause of the separation.

Repeated reflection on the separation
According to Larson, it is very painful to break up a completely normal overlap of personalities after a split. The expert suggests that the repeated reflection on the separation helps, because it allows the person concerned gradually greater distance from the event. So far, the principle of working through reflection was known especially for writing. As the „world“ The psychologist James W. Pennebaker of the University of Texas at Austin has been using reflexive writing as a therapeutic technique for over 20 years. For four consecutive days, writing down about fifteen minutes of what bothers you inwardly does not only relax in these turbulent times, but also leads to better sleep and improved immune function.

Good strategy after painful separation
The psychologist writes on his website: „Emotional changes touch every part of life“. Next it says: „You do not just lose a job or get a divorce. These things touch on all aspects of what you are - the financial situation, the relationship with others, the view of yourself. Writing helps us focus and sort the experience.“ The reflection, whether in the head or on the paper, is therefore a good strategy after a painful separation. Larson advises that one should write or speak about the separation as if it were told to a stranger. This is the most likely to help build emotional distance and detach from the events internally. Those who have rearranged their self-concept are also open to a new relationship. (Ad)

Image: Paul-Georg Meister