Jealousy is completely normal and often useful

In relationships, slight jealousy can help

03/28/2015

Jealousy is considered an immature feeling, a weakness and a sign of lack of self-confidence, so the common opinion. Experts say light jealousy is normal. According to experts, it can even be interpreted as a sign of affection. However, it is different with strong jealousy, which is due to negative bonding experiences in childhood. The news agency „dpa“ Talked to psychologists and psychotherapists about jealousy in relationships.

Jealousy should not be denied or repressed
„Jealousy is considered an immature feeling. Supposedly only someone who is insecure suffers from jealousy, "says psychologist and book author Felicitas Heyne of the agency in view of the common ideas in our society on ownership claims that did not belong in a relationship.Who trusts his partner, is also not jealous.

Psychotherapists are on the subject of jealousy but completely different view. „Jealousy is written into our genes. "Looking at the subject from the evolutionary point of view, jealousy has had an important function for both sexes, while women took care that their husbands did not enjoy themselves with others, In order not to be left with the children, the men watched over the sexual loyalty of the woman, so they could be sure that the offspring is also their own, so a certain amount of jealousy is quite normal, so Heyne.

„The concept of life is that you yourself are the only one for the partner. Once this is violated in any way, the jealousy germinates“, adds Wolfgang Krüger, psychotherapist and author in Berlin, to the news agency. Thus, there is always the fear that the relationship is threatened, behind the jealousy. This feeling should neither be denied nor suppressed. According to Krüger, a light form of jealousy is even a kind of declaration of love, because it shows that one is very important to the other. „He may experience that the partner is attractive to others and appreciates him more, "says psychotherapist and author Rolf Merkle from Mannheim to the agency. „The partner will be interesting again. "

Strong jealousy is due to negative bonding experiences in childhood
This only applies to „slight jealousy“, which occurs only occasionally. If one is massively uncertain in the relationship and strongly dependent on the partner, a medium jealousy can develop. With massive jealousy, these two aspects are even more pronounced, so the partner is groundlessly controlled and verbally attacked. „The core of this jealousy is always the childhood experience that attachment is very unreliable, "says Krüger, adding that in such cases, only working up the experience helps.

„There is no single criterion as to when jealousy is pathological, "said Merkle. „Ultimately, the two partners are the ones who make the difference. "Psychologist Heyne advises clarifying where the feeling comes from, for example, negative experiences from past relationships such as a partner's affair can lead to fear of loss and insecurity in the new relationship. „Jealousy does not necessarily mean something about the condition of the relationship, "says Merkle.

Jealousy can point to relationship problems
But jealousy can also be understood as an early warning when you realize that something is wrong in the relationship. „One looks more closely: Do we do a lot together, or has this subsided? Are we striving for each other? What about eroticism? "

It is important then that both partners agree to strengthen their bond again. It also helps to analyze one's own behavior and to become aware of one's feelings. Because in a functioning relationship there is not only one „We“, that too „I“ must not be neglected. So your own happiness should not only depend on your partner, but also on maintaining friendships and strengthening your own self-confidence. Then you are less prone to tormenting jealousy.

Krüger advises to confidently deal with jealousy. Not every feeling has to be discussed with the partner, but it should be talked about if the unpleasant feeling remains. Even if you realize that the jealousy is not unfounded, you should address your partner. It is advisable to stay with yourself and not to blame the other. „If it is an unfounded jealousy, an open discussion of the matter can break the mark before you get into a phantasm of ideas, "says Heyne.With well-founded jealousy, the partners should talk about why someone is interested in others.The jealousy could then used to fundamentally readjust the relationship. „Both take stock and express their wishes and needs, "explains Merkle.