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Burkhard Düssler Stop getting ready
"It always seems like a miracle to me: If we think about ourselves realistically and take the crucial rules of the game in our dealings with ourselves, we can comfort our childish side again and again and in fact be our blacksmith." (Burkhard Düssler)
According to Düssler, the inner critic revolves around self-esteem. Above all, he warned us what limits this: mistakes, criticism or failures. On the other hand, it drives us to improve self-esteem through success, recognition and affection.
contents
- Do not silence the inner critic
- Actually not a bad guy
- Behind the facade of the tyrant
- Red alert! - Why, actually?
- Where the inner watcher gets his messages from
- I see something you do not see - and that's childish
- No fight - but two winners
- Who you talk to, when you talk to yourself - Three internal instances
- The inner child
- Which instance is currently reporting?
- How to properly understand her inner watcher
- The right assessment of supposed dangers
- The virtual friend
- The meaning of reality checks
- Typical thinking of the supervisor
- Escape extreme thinking
- If, then-or not?
- Realistic instead of unrealistic messages
- Formulate the new conviction
- The most common stress messages
- Your toolbox for reality testing
- Conclusion
- For whom is the book, and for whom is not?
Do not silence the inner critic
We can not silence the inner critic, says Düssler, and we do not have to. Depressed people would know the inner critic as a "gray cloud" that paralyzes any activity. This leads to body tensions and pain, the negative thoughts determine the event according to the author with dominance. Even if it becomes clear that the inner critic is not always right and that his claims do not fit our basic convictions, we could hardly escape his grueling criticism.
An overactive inner critic leads to devaluation and accusations like "you have always been guilty and inferior". Consequences can be excessive anxiety as well as frustration eating or high emotional vulnerability. Even if he expresses himself less extreme, he is annoying. It gets complicated because we realize that his judgments are exaggerated, but "somehow" true. So we are tempted to escape this exaggerated self-criticism by distracting ourselves, whether through television, internet or tidying up. As a result, at most an internal struggle develops, but the inner critic can not be silenced.
But instead of calming the inner critic, we could learn to live in peaceful coexistence with him and even profit from him.
Depressive know, according to Düssler, the inner critic as a "gray cloud" that paralyzes any activity. (Image: Black Brush / fotolia.com) Actually not a bad guy
The inner critic is not only negative. He prevents violent conflicts and teaches us to show civilized manners. He inspires us to persevere and achieve something rewarding. It would not work without him. "How relieving it would be to hold him back with his exaggerated alarm and to support us only with meaningful warnings." To make this possible, we must first get to know the inner critic, so Düssler.
Behind the facade of the tyrant
The author simply did not want to believe "that the human psyche contained a fundamental misconstruction" and sought the hidden sense of (excessive) inner self-criticism. What sense could that be??
Düssler writes: He warns us about dangers (...) - Accordingly, there is an instance in every human being that involuntarily reacts to seemingly threatening situations. (...) This applies to physical "dangers" as well as to "interpersonal dangers" if, for example, you seem to have been wrong in a group.
Red alert! - Why, actually?
Many threats are about situations in the social environment. The inner critic sees danger in the rejection of our fellow men. This instance made us realize what to do to become popular and to get "soul food". He ensures that our desire for recognition and satisfaction is satisfied.
Where the inner watcher gets his messages from
According to Düssler, we collect basic messages in our childhood. Some such messages are firstly exaggerated and at the same time conveyed over generations such as "who shows weakness, has already lost." But even children could radicalize messages from their parents by doing everything to get their recognition. Parental messages could thus become a generalized and self-damaging life motto.
We develop other inner messages ourselves. Often the origin lies in skills that the respective children are particularly good at. Especially intellectual children could develop the inner message "You must always be the best", especially empathetic "You have to make sure that mom is relieved".
Inner messages also arise from painful experiences. A painful key experience could lead to the principle "I'll never see such disappointment again" and conclude "That's why I'll never trust anyone again!"
Some messages of the inner critic hurt us a lot and restricted us massively. But he always pushes us with the worst messages whenever we feel insecure, explains the author. He falls silent when we give him the feeling of security.
Concludes, "Your inner watcher is not the problem, and you are not - nor are all the meaningful and realistic messages and beliefs you have acquired. It's the exaggerated and the false messages that you carry and that put their watchdog under pressure. "
Children can radicalise the messages of their parents, as they often do everything to get their recognition, which leads in extreme cases to a generalized and self-damaging motto. (Image: fizkes / fotolia.com) I see something you do not see - and that's childish
Realistic thinking is not the job of the inner critic. He appears naive and overly anxious. His ideas fit better with the world of experience of children than with adult reality. He represents radical views and exaggerates frequently, quickly lose track of strong emotions, can no longer perceive or process important information under stress, but see only a small part of the reality that frightens him. His great emotional dependence on recognition is childlike rather than adult qualities. Since he is childlike, we should not treat the inner watcher as an authority.
No fight - but two winners
"If an adult (...) gets stuck in his tunnel vision and regularly sees criticism as a disrespect for his person, this suggests that he takes on the tunnel vision of his supervisor. This can cause chaos and suffering over time. "
If this point is reached, suffer on the one hand the person concerned, for whom his environment is a constant source of injury, on the other hand, the social environment is constantly exposed to his emotional outbursts and "counter-attacks".
The problem today is that the child-keeper can not see if the present situation is as threatening as the one he remembers. If we abuse the childish critic now, he feels it as an attack and becomes even more anxious. We would wage an inner power struggle in ourselves that we can only lose.
It is best not to take the child minder too seriously - knowing that many of his messages are wrong or exaggerated. However, they should take him seriously, because essentially his messages are justified.
Düssler writes: The warning messages of the child-watcher are based on very real, personal experiences and perceptions; therefore they are all justified in his view. And that's why his fears should be taken seriously.
However, understanding and action are two different pairs of shoes: "Our understanding of the child-minder should not, however, lead us to accept his exaggerated fears as truths and immediately put his instructions into action."
What to do? "So if you manage to gain some understanding of the fears of your little onlooker, as well as the clear awareness that his messages are likely to be exaggerated, you would have made a good start," concludes Dusseldorf.
Who you talk to, when you talk to yourself - Three internal instances
An inner dialogue is not only normal, but meaningful. But who are you talking to when you talk to him, he asks. First, there is the little minder.
This inner watcher has access to our "personal truths," the messages we've collected in our lives so far, such as "That's what you have to do!" Or "That's important!". Since these truths controlled our view of life, they were very powerful. They contribute significantly to our self-image, to being what we meant to be.
The inner dialogue is helpful, says Düssler. In doing so, we either talk to the child-minder, the inner child or the inner adult. (Image: diez-artwork / fotolia.com) The task of the inner watchdog is to prevent the repetition of painful experiences. He also expresses unrealistic "truths" like spikes in our soul. That hurt. The farther we can reduce the belief in unrealistic messages, the less our child-minder will emphasize them, and the less pain that would cause them. So we should replace the unrealistic messages with truths that can really convince us. The second instance is the inner child, which always announces itself when we do something spontaneously, inspire ourselves or feel "childish needs".
The childish watcher is opposed by the inner adult. In the inner-body dialogue, you should identify with this inner adult. For if he is awake, you would be captain on the bridge yourself. This is the case every time you act as an adult, to understand a text, or to go to work on a regular basis. This grown-up self is usually calmer than the inner watcher, can use his mind much better, and have a higher life experience. He can best use his adult beliefs whenever he has a realistic view of the situation.
In stress, where we do not have this overview, however, the adult's voice is often the quieter, and the anxious watcher is left alone with his childish apprehensions.
Düssler concludes: The crucial challenge is therefore that we bring our "adult self" with his abilities and experiences again and again into play and build their own realistic considerations. Because then we can either reassure our over-anxious child-minder or benefit from his hints when we realize he's right.
The inner child
According to Düssler, the inner child is not only an anxious watcher: "There are endless possibilities for having a good time with one's inner child. And infinitely many to feel the painful feelings of the inner child: It can be sad, stubborn, hurt, feel lonely and inferior. If we are attentive, we can perceive it as soon as it communicates with its needs and feelings. "
Which instance is currently reporting?
But how do we recognize, according to Düssler, whether a childish guardian, inner child or inner adult is reporting?
The child-watcher shows clearly when we put ourselves under pressure, braking or self-blame. If-then connections are, according to Düssler, his usual method of warning against supposed or real dangers. The inner child, on the other hand, reports that she has something nice to do, that she feels the same deep sadness as she does loneliness, and that she is very enthusiastic. The inner watcher, on the other hand, does not go beyond contentment. If thoughts correspond to realistic beliefs, play with the inner adult. You also recognize this by his ability to create a realistic overview, says Düssler. In stress situations, he quietly announces himself, while the inner watcher urges.
If several instances report at the same time, according to Düssler, you should look after the one that is loudest. These need their attention most urgently.
In stressful situations, according to Düssler, the inner adult answers quietly, while the inner watcher presses. Attention needs the instance that announces the loudest. (Image: VadimGuzhva / fotolia.com) How to properly understand her inner watcher
The dialogue with the internal authorities had become an integral part of psychotherapy. Unfortunately, the dialogue with the inner critic often amounts to an inner power struggle, which does not do justice to the integration of the various voices. However, we could learn to lead the inner dialogue directly and openly, even if that feels strange at first. So we could get a direct access to the otherwise hidden rules of the childish Aufpassers.
We could bring the inner critic out of his comfort zone with a threatening fantasy and perceive him more clearly. Then it's about what he wants to warn us about. The question for him is, "What could happen to your childish imagination in the worst case scenario?" If you get a warning now, you are in dialogue with your inner watchdog. An anxious minder needs understanding as well as an inner child.
The right assessment of supposed dangers
In order to assess whether the danger we are being warned by the inner watcher is present, it needs a reality check with common sense. We would have to distinguish what we feel spontaneously, because that is the alarm of the inner watcher, and what we actually consider realistic. As soon as you have clarified the main fears of your inner watcher, the dialogue with him becomes more fluid.
That the inner watcher exaggerates, you could determine by checking the situation. Errors could cause problems, but hardly a mistake leads to total chaos. Inferences about complete inabilities are exaggerated, because all other qualities are not negative because you can not compete with others in one area.
The virtual friend
One way to deal with irrational fears is to be a virtual friend whom you can talk to your inner watcher. This virtual friend can stand situations with the inner watcher together and judge whether they are real dangerous or not. You should ask yourself: what would I say to my virtual friend.
The meaning of reality checks
At first, according to Düssler, the reality tests can be a real challenge. First, you should give advice to your virtual friend, because others are much better at giving wise advice than ourselves, the author says. Over time, the reality checks would run much faster.
These checks are the only way to find our own values and beliefs, otherwise we followed the habit or voice of our inner watcher.
A virtual friend who talks to her inner watcher is a way to test reality, says Düssler. (Image: rikirennes / fotolia.com) Typical thinking of the supervisor
Our inner watcher loves extremes. Typical for him are thoughts like "only", "always", "constantly", "everyone", "never", "totally" or "always worse". It becomes difficult when, first, negative extremes do not apply and, secondly, that we regard them unnoticed as facts. The high price are real failures and hopelessness.
These negative extremes, however, have the meaning that they act as valves and seemingly simplify complicated problems. But this effect lasts only briefly, and then the usual feelings of the Aufpassers would come to light again: mistrust and fear. The inner watcher now needs the feedback: "Yes, it feels so bad right now."
Escape extreme thinking
The ability to put the negative next to the positive things helps to escape the extreme thinking. The acknowledgment of little rays of hope would save you from deep despair. The more a person is in a mental crisis, the more he is involved in extremely negative messages.
The small rays of light are necessary to have the patience to succeed in many small steps.
If, then-or not?
Typical for the inner watcher is also a "if-then-thinking", that is the setting up of causal chains, which often do not correspond to reality. He links some events to a timid conclusion. If you look at these conclusions realistically, you would usually notice that one (if) has nothing to do with the other (then).
Realistic instead of unrealistic messages
To replace unrealistic messages with realistic ones, it is first necessary to dispose of the unusable part of the messages. Only if you recognize them as unusable, you could get rid of them. And you dispose of those useless messages where they come from - in the past.
For example, if you are afraid of a new relationship, it may be because you feel guilty about the end of your old relationship and you do not think you can relate to it. On the other hand, if you were able to realistically assess your own mistakes as well as your ex-partner's, you could learn from the past relationship for the next one. This would make the new relationship an enriching opportunity.
Even painful memories can fade when the messages disappeared with them, so Düssler. There are also menacing messages that have been realistic in the time when they were created, but today are often no more.
Formulate the new conviction
Once you've straightened unrealistic messages, it's time to formulate new beliefs that are more appropriate to reality. So you could regain vast amounts of lost power that will make you free to roam the rest of your life. It is positive and realistic, for example, to say "I can feel and think everything! And I'm allowed to do anything my virtual girlfriend can do: everything that is fair to me and the others. "Or" I do not have to do it, but I can do it if I want. "
The first step is to dispose of useless messages in order to formulate new, reality-appropriate beliefs. (Image: thodonal / fotolia.com) The most common stress messages
According to Düssler, a central message of stress is: "I am worthless". Great is the fear of the feeling of inferiority or to stand as a failure. From this follows a permanent self-criticism: "Attention, they think bad about you!"
This resulted in aggressive as well as depressive variants. An aggressive form is: "As long as you can devalue others, you are more powerful and worth more than they are!", A depressive: "You are just inferior, so be quiet and find out about it."
Widespread patterns to ward off feelings of inferiority are a change of subject, aggressive devaluation of the opponent, excessive avoidance behavior or reproachful withdrawal. But if you had understood that you are immeasurably valuable and feel inferior only because of learned patterns of thinking and acting, you may find some guiding principles such as, "I do not need to worry because I am very valuable."
Your toolbox for reality testing
In the end, Düssler provides a "toolbox" to systematically implement the described path to a more positive self-image. These tools are, firstly, the virtual friend, secondly, real friends who question you in the respective situations, third, scales from 0 to 100 percent (in order to act against messages such as "I always do everything wrong"), fourthly, experiments that use their inner self Watchdogs train, fifthly, to look into the past, what we have been able to do to appreciate the likelihood of the future, and sixth, the question of safety.
Conclusion
Düssler molds his theses plastically to the practice. Those who are interested in scientific fundamentals will miss findings from memory and brain research, which could explain exactly where the warning and anxiety images designated by the psychotherapist as an inner watcher originate. Thus, memory does not function as a chronicle, but as a system of orientation, which restructures itself again and again, depending on which experiences seem to make sense in what way and in the present. In addition, the strong anxiety patterns that cause stress come from our older layers of the brain, which we even share with reptiles.
However, "stop getting ready" has practical value. Although it is for someone who knows a bit about psychology and psychotherapy, nothing new in it, but is so vividly summarized that the exercises described can be well used in everyday life.
For whom is the book, and for whom is not?
However, it is best suited for "normal neurotics" who are able to recognize their "inner watcher" and are able to handle it. Anyone who suffers from a serious psychosomatic disorder, in which this inner critic unchecked his power, needs help from others and can not rely on this book. This also applies to mental disorders in which a reality check is not possible because they are associated with loss of reality. The first is for major depressive illness, the second for psychosis, and both for bipolarity (bipolar disorder). (Dr. Utz Anhalt)
Burkhard Dussler
Stop getting ready.
How to find a lasting positive self-esteem.
Kailash 2018.
ISBN: 978-3-424-63158-6