When couples are sleepless together Are separate beds the beginning of the end?

Sleepless together: endanger the relationship with separate beds?
While couples often say it's wonderful to fall asleep together and wake up together, in some ways this is very difficult. Snoring a partner or rolling in bed, it is often impossible for the other to find restful sleep. Some couples then choose separate beds, others fear that this may be the beginning of the end of the relationship.
Snoring the partner can rob you of sleep
When he snores and dreams aloud and she snorts in bed, the bedsprings squeak, they often think to themselves: What would I give for a "bedroom for me alone". However, most people do not dare to express the wish. Not a few think a happy couple is a shared double bedroom. Some also fear dangers to the partnership, after all, sleeping in separate beds is supposed to be the biggest relationship killer. In fact, couples with separate beds are out of the ordinary. However, separate beds are sometimes appropriate for couples. Reasons can be, among other things, if one always has to get out early, but the other comes to rest only after midnight. Or one awakens the partner again and again with nocturnal corridors to the toilet. "Very often, however, there are complaints about the snoring of the partner," said Friedhelm Schwiderski, couple and sex therapist from Hamburg in a message from the news agency dpa. The culprits here are usually the men: "Men snore more often and louder than women," said the sleep specialist Thomas Pollmächer, chief physician of the Department of Psychiatry and Psychotherapy at the Ingolstadt Hospital.

Be sure to talk about the problems
However, there are other gender-specific differences in the subject of sleep: "It is assumed that healthy women are more likely to need more sleep and sleep longer and have more deep sleep than men," says Johannes Mathis, head of the Sleep-Wake Center at the Inselspital in Bern. "But women suffer subjectively more often from a sleep disorder." But no matter what the reasons are: "If one partner is disturbed by the other constantly in sleep, that can put a strain on the relationship," said Schwiderski. This is responsible for the other for his sleep problems. Since those who are awake sometimes feel that their own well-being does not matter to the other, the problem necessarily belongs on the table when both are awake: "I would not rush to give up the shared bedroom without at least looking for another solution to the problem to have, "says the couple therapist. For example, ear plugs, warm blankets of different heights or an alternative room could help if the job forces them to get up very early. But if you do not use a shared bedroom, that means "that the partners are physically at a distance," said Schwiderski. This will initiate a process "that is difficult to undo".

Relationship can work "with separate bedrooms"
Less problematic sees the Berlin psychologist and family therapist Dörte Foertsch. According to dpa, she said, "A relationship can also work with separate bedrooms." The essence of a partnership is finally to accept different needs for autonomy. Important are open discussions about the motives. "You could say it like this: 'I just can not sleep well in a shared bed. And I do not want to jeopardize our relationship, '"said the psychologist. It could also be that it's not the snoring sounds that trigger the desire to retire from the common room. "Maybe one partner in fact lacks the relationship to space elsewhere," says Schwiderski.

Scientist advises more serenity
Sleep researchers have always been concerned about how it sleeps better - whether together or alone. A study at the University of Vienna came a few years ago to the conclusion that women slept alone restful, men, however, benefited from the proximity of the partner. And the US researcher Paul C. Rosenblatt concluded that the shared bedroom is an important factor in the partnership bond. The shared bed certainly plays a role in the sense of togetherness of a couple, said the Swiss sleep researcher Mathis. It's not just about sex - which, by the way, can also help with sleep disorders - but also about other soothing rituals. According to Schwiderski, a relationship with separate bedrooms can work if both partners want it. But: "The core aspect of a partnership is to be close to one's body as well." Sleep specialist Pollmächer advises calmness when sleep does not turn up as quickly as it actually would: "We often have too high demands for a good night's sleep. Waking up twice a night or taking 20 minutes to fall asleep is completely normal and does not affect the recovery effect of sleep. "(Ad)