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Psychology Constant love messages via WhatsApp can damage relationships
"Hello darling, how is your day? I miss you ": Such and similar love messages to the partner are of course well meant. But the text messages via WhatsApp and Co may also hurt a relationship. Psychologists explain what couples should look for.
Constantly in contact with the loved one
Often, rituals in the partnership can help make living together better. Sometimes they can be annoying too. One ritual that is very common today is to send messages via messengers like WhatsApp and Co. It has never been so easy to stay in touch with the most beloved around the clock. "I love and miss you", plus two little hearts and a kiss: Every day, countless messages of love, greetings or information for planning the evening together are sent via smartphone. In a message from the dpa news agency, experts explain that this can also cause problems and what couples should pay attention to.
Too much of the good is too much. Image: miya227 - fotolia Many messages can annoy the partner
"In the past you stuck a note to the mirror or put a message in the lunch box, today you send such messages by mobile phone", explains Jörg Wesner, graduate psychologist and couple therapist from Hamburg. "This is simply a great way to express your affection." The partner knows by the sweet greeting that the other thinks of one and that feels good. In many respects, the short messages still provide stress.
The writers usually hope for a quick answer and are disappointed if it does not happen fast enough. One problem with this is that we lose the art of waiting by the constant use of the smartphone anyway. On the other hand, the recipient may be annoyed because the tenth pecker message just flashes on the lock screen on the day. "Many expect the partner to be permanently available to them," says couple therapist Andrea Brau from Munich. It is rather rare that both of them spark on the same wavelength in online communication: "Most men are shorter and write fewer messages than women."
If the partner does not respond despite online status
Manuela Sirrenberg, a psychologist at the University of Eichstätt-Ingolstadt, is researching the effects of this imbalance on the partnership: "Imbalances in a partnership are associated with a lower relational stability and a higher separation intention," says the expert. The survey of more than 500 people has thus shown: "This also applies to the media communication." If a partner always feels that his messages go into the void or not properly appreciated, then he questions the relationship more quickly. Often, jealousy also comes into play: what if the partner does not respond, even though the status message betrays him online? Instead, is he perhaps just commenting on the latest pictures of his ex-girlfriend on Facebook? "If I want to be jealous, I get a lot more suspicion opportunities through the social networks," explains Paartherapeut Wesner. Then one wonders why the girlfriend suddenly chats so much with this new colleague or why she calls her hairdresser Schatzi?
Uncertainty increases the risk of jealousy
Psychologists and psychotherapists say jealousy is normal and useful in many cases, but it can also be a big problem. Were previously a few friendly words or a non-binding little flirting, quickly forgotten as pronounced, they are today legible written for everyone. This gives them a much greater weight. As psychologist Manuela Sirrenberg stated during the evaluation of her surveys: "People with high jealousy values read news differently." They would also react to neutral messages in a suspicious manner.
"This is especially true for people who feel insecure in their relationship." This can confirm the couple therapist Andrea Bräu from her consulting work. In the dpa message she explains: "Jealousy has a lot to do with self-esteem." Those who are more insecure worry that other people are more important to the partner, and at the same time long for as much affirmation. Smartphone communication can become a double problem here: The love message remains unanswered and the partner may even have contact with alleged competitors. "Media communication is a stress factor, especially in uncertain relationships," says Sirrenberg.
With the phone you can also call
The quick chat eliminates important elements of the face-to-face conversation: "I can not tell if the partner listens attentively, if he has not understood something, or if he is bored," explains Andrea Bräu. While the quick news may work well for couples who "tick similarly", if they both find that the messages are more annoying than enjoyable, they should take consequences. For example, by agreeing that both hide their online status.
As Jörg Wesner says in the agency message, couples should argue by no means text message: "That can only go wrong, because the partner does not recognize the mood in which the other expresses his criticism." For example, whether a comment humorous-ironic or bitterly meant.
The shorter a message, the more room there is for misunderstandings, according to Wesner. If the dispute really has to be in writing, then better by e-mail or in a letter: "For this one takes more time, writes in complete sentences and usually reads everything through again, before sending it off." This is how you make it Distance and could take some accusation the sharpness. According to Wesner, the actual function of the smartphone too often falls into oblivion: "Instead of sending countless messages back and forth, many a problem with a telephone call would be solved much faster." (Ad)