Learn to forgive the infidelity

Forgiving after an infidelity or other breaches of trust helps both sides

07/11/2014

After a deep injury to forgive one's own feelings, many people find it extremely difficult. They can not forgive the other's misconduct, which in turn puts a strain on their own soul. This also applies to the relationship life. Offenses, lies and infidelities often lead to such feelings and breaches of trust that a separation no longer seems to prevent. Forgiveness at this point is a crucial factor in coping with the crises of a relationship.

Especially the consequences of an affair are usually extremely far-reaching for the affected couples. "The confidence is destroyed" and the couples often show symptoms, as they occur after a traffic accident, reports the head of the Psychotherapieambulanz the Technical University of Braunschweig, Christoph Kröger to "World Online". The basic assumptions about the relationship, the partner and one's own role have suddenly crumbled. Forgiveness is difficult, everyday life is poisoned and infidelity is often followed by separation or divorce.

Speeches and gestures as a basis for forgiveness
In order to forgive out of deep conviction, it takes "time and the will to actively take care of the injuries", quotes Ulrich Leube, head of the Protestant life coaching service in Bremen. In his institution, Leube is relatively often confronted with marital infidelity. A first step on the path to forgiveness is the conversation itself, to give room to the injury. "But before the forgiveness is the real change, not just the talking about it," quoted "World Online" the Bremen life coach on. Gestures and actions that show that it is serious are an important unspoken signal here. Also in the Psychotherapieambulanz of the Technical University Braunschweig Christoph Kröger and colleagues try to help couples in times of crisis in their management. In the conversation, for example, it is determined which reasons for offenses exist or why someone still has feelings of revenge after years, Kröger reports.

Forgiveness is not always possible
Couples who consistently engage in therapy can build trust in this way, according to Kröger. Leube also emphasizes that the wounds of the soul can heal if the person complies with what happened. This helps both sides. Because forgiveness relieves both the person who caused the injury and those affected. "Forgiveness is a great strength, and also means: I will be free from the influence the injury has on me," quotes "World Online" the Life Coach. However, this is sometimes not possible, because "forgiveness can not always and not at any price," continues Leube. As an example of such cases he mentions, among other things, mental and sexual violence.

Forgiveness is firmly rooted in the Christian faith
In the Christian faith, guilt and forgiveness play a central role. This is also reflected in the most famous prayer of Christianity, the Lord's Prayer. "And forgive us our guilt, as well as we forgive our guilty party", so the formulation. For this purpose, the peace commissioner of the Evangelical Church in Germany (EKD), Renke Brahms, is quoted by "Welt Online" as saying that forgiveness is possible, "in the family as well as in society." The path to that is sometimes long and long the participants would first have to think in advance. As a special day of such reflection in the Protestant church serve the day of penitence and rebelliousness, on which a "critical balance of life and reorientation" should be "necessary to be reconciled," quoted "World Online" the EKD Peace Commissioner. Finally, gestures are of particular importance for reconciliation. For example, the downfall of Willy Brandt in Warsaw contributed more to reconciliation than words could have done. As another example, the theologian names the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, which was installed after the end of apartheid in South Africa and for the first time offered a space to talk about crimes during apartheid.

Learn forgiveness skills?
Certain rituals are sometimes helpful in overcoming injuries, according to life counselor Leube. For example, he has already advised clients to put the injuring party on paper in words, Leube is quoted by "World Online". The news portal continues, citing a survey by TNS Emnid, that the Christian faith appears to have a positive impact on the ability to forgive. The survey of 1,400 men and women has shown that a shared faith in everyday life goes hand in hand with good psychological well-being and a pronounced benevolence towards the partner. However, "forgiveness" is still not common knowledge, so forgiveness should be considered as a teaching material in adult education or in marriage preparation courses, "World Online" quotes the study authors' conclusion. After all, forgiveness also promises relief for one's own soul. (Fp)