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Developmental psychology Parents shape children's values more strongly than expected
Often people only notice in adult life how strongly they have been influenced by their parents during childhood. Most take over values or even quirks of their fathers or mothers without first noticing this. Often it is not easy to get rid of the negative qualities that have been copied.
Similarities to father or mother
How much you yourself were influenced by your parents turns out for many only in adult life. It is often banal sentences such as "money is not spoken" or "no diligence no price". Such beliefs from the family have been ignored for years, but at some point you can find yourself, how the inner voice holds up exactly these beliefs. You may even say such a sentence to your own children. And in other areas, such as the culture of dispute or how to deal with stress, one often discovers similarities with mother or father over time. Sometimes more than you like, as the news agency dpa reports in a recent release.
Parents shape the behavior of children more than previously thought. (Photo: drubig-photo / fotolia) "I have that from my mother"
Carmen Broicher also knows that. She is convinced that she does many things like her mother does. "Yes, I'm picky," says the 46-year-old. "I have that from my mother. What annoyed me at that time with her eternal ordeal. "Her mother was not only meticulous in the house and garden, but also kept the money together. "Stingy would be the wrong word," says Broicher. Rather, she has used her finances targeted. "I would not be here with my own business today, if I had not taken over from her." Broicher, who owns her own riding stable, is convinced that the structure her mother exemplified was her model.
Values, ideas and role models
Since one usually spends a lot of time together, it is inevitable that children take over things consciously or unconsciously from their parents. With which values, ideas and role models you go through life is usually strongly influenced by father and mother. This is basically normal, but it can also have very negative consequences, especially because today many parents educate their children to narcissistic, as psychologists and educationalists recently addressed in a study. The researchers studied the cause of the personality disorder narcissism and found it in the parents who think their children for something better.
Positive and problematic patterns of behavior
Parenting is a typical phase in which you catch yourself in many ways. "Since the eyes often go back to their own family," said Alexandra Miethner, graduate psychologist in Bonn. This can be positive, for example, by repeating the things you yourself enjoyed as a child: Rituals like putting you to bed, having breakfast on the weekend, or going on holiday at the North Sea. But sometimes it is also problematic behavior patterns that have been appropriated. If you are insulted for days after a dispute, everything always wants to do one hundred percent or is particularly anxious. Few people are so reflective that they themselves recognize such analogies. "You often only check it when your environment gives you negative feedback on your behavior," explains Miethner.
Strategies for change
Holger Simonszent, a graduate psychologist in Gauting near Munich, explains that there must be a certain amount of suffering before changes. Anyone who is angry about his own arguments can think about a strategy. "When I know a dispute escalates quickly, next time I'll go out in the first place." Ideally, you talk about it with your partner. However, it becomes more complicated with deeply internalized beliefs. Miethner says that one should question a saying like "no diligence no price" with which one was thrown: "How do I feel about it? Is this stressing me? "It is also important to answer questions such as:" What is diligence for me? And what price do I get for it? ". It could help to write down such deep-rooted things to change them. For example on a piece of paper, which you then tear. The old belief is best replaced by a new one. For example, one could write down: "I am a very committed person and I like to work for this or that thing." Miethner advises: "You put the note in your wallet" to clarify your own priorities and to remind you that you do not do everything would like to tackle with the same force in everyday life. But such reprogramming does not work overnight. "It takes time and is a matter of practice."
To recall positive characteristics
But despite all the will to change can the claim to be in no case so to be his parents, not meet. "Ultimately it's a healthy attitude to accept that you've gotten some things and can not get rid of them," said Simonszent. It only makes you unhappy when you've been struggling all your life to have inherited his father's mediocre footballing talent. It is better to remember the positive qualities. "If I realize that, they are valuable resources." At family gatherings, one often realizes that one has not only adopted certain quirks, but that there are similar lineages over several generations.
Friends and colleagues also shape a person
In such cases, it may be advisable to sit down with the parents, provided the relationship is good. Then one can find out in a conversation how certain topics in the family were treated. Here, the "how" is crucial. One learns things best when they can be told, without reproachfully wanting to analyze the weaknesses of the whole family. Not only parents, but also friends, partners, colleagues can be as influential for a person. In contrast to mother and father you can choose these mostly yourself. (Ad)
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